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[She used to hate crying. Now . . . she still hates it, but differently. It's uncomfortable, it's so fucking gross, it feels vulnerable and horrible. But at the same time, now she knows what it's like not to be able to cry, to be in such a strange form that can't express remorse in the natural way.]
[Now it's like a dam bursting, like all of the awful things she's had to hold back for months coming out in a rush. She chokes on it, but she doesn't mind, not really, because losing her breath for a second makes it all the more meaningful when she catches it again. And Komaeda just holds her through all of it, physically and in the shared space in their brain, like that's something she deserves. Like that's something he's happy to give her.]
[She's in control, following him as he leads. The whole thing is messy and muddy, but it feels good. It doesn't feel like getting lost in him exactly, not how she thought. It's just welcoming, safe. He let her in and now he's got her and they're not the same, he doesn't make her less, all of this just makes her — more. More and more and more.]
[There are no red roses, but she feels the way they bloom, somewhere in the deepest places of her heart.]
[Right behind them, a pulse of rage at the flickering memory, at his feeling of loneliness. Someone took this from her. Someone took him, made him live without her, frightened and in pain without her — one of the few people she actually cares about, ripped away in the worst way. Don't they know that Komaeda's special? That he makes her happy? He should be protected, he should be treasured, they should die.]
[Her tears run hot down her face, as messy as she ever is. There's sterility in her shade form. In his body, she can be imperfect. She can just be.]
I missed you, too. I was really scared. I wanted to find you, I wanted to fix it.
[Absently, she makes his teeth gnaw his lower lip.]
I don't know how to take care of anybody. But I want to take care of you. Even when you're not happy, I want you to at least be okay.
[Shaking hands lean over the tub, grab the handle on the second try, stopper the drain, turn on the hot water. She leans against the edge, the one whole arm between them wrapping around Komaeda's opposite shoulder.]
I'm going to hurt him. But when I do, I won't be gone for long. I won't leave you alone.
[Now it's like a dam bursting, like all of the awful things she's had to hold back for months coming out in a rush. She chokes on it, but she doesn't mind, not really, because losing her breath for a second makes it all the more meaningful when she catches it again. And Komaeda just holds her through all of it, physically and in the shared space in their brain, like that's something she deserves. Like that's something he's happy to give her.]
[She's in control, following him as he leads. The whole thing is messy and muddy, but it feels good. It doesn't feel like getting lost in him exactly, not how she thought. It's just welcoming, safe. He let her in and now he's got her and they're not the same, he doesn't make her less, all of this just makes her — more. More and more and more.]
[There are no red roses, but she feels the way they bloom, somewhere in the deepest places of her heart.]
[Right behind them, a pulse of rage at the flickering memory, at his feeling of loneliness. Someone took this from her. Someone took him, made him live without her, frightened and in pain without her — one of the few people she actually cares about, ripped away in the worst way. Don't they know that Komaeda's special? That he makes her happy? He should be protected, he should be treasured, they should die.]
[Her tears run hot down her face, as messy as she ever is. There's sterility in her shade form. In his body, she can be imperfect. She can just be.]
I missed you, too. I was really scared. I wanted to find you, I wanted to fix it.
[Absently, she makes his teeth gnaw his lower lip.]
I don't know how to take care of anybody. But I want to take care of you. Even when you're not happy, I want you to at least be okay.
[Shaking hands lean over the tub, grab the handle on the second try, stopper the drain, turn on the hot water. She leans against the edge, the one whole arm between them wrapping around Komaeda's opposite shoulder.]
I'm going to hurt him. But when I do, I won't be gone for long. I won't leave you alone.
[So, a lot's happened since prom.
Like, a lot.
And they've only just finished dealing with the most recent thing, and they're probably both tired from chasing little kids around, but - well, the Fog's dissipated again and Mukuro can finally shift back to her 'normal' forms. Rather than being stuck choosing between a nightmare creature or a dog. She doesn't want to waste this chance now that she knows it could happen again, it feels like - it's urgent, somehow. It's such a dumb, little thing, except it's not, because Lila is important.
Which is how Mukuro ends up knocking timidly at her door this evening, with that pretty red dress hung over her other arm.]
Like, a lot.
And they've only just finished dealing with the most recent thing, and they're probably both tired from chasing little kids around, but - well, the Fog's dissipated again and Mukuro can finally shift back to her 'normal' forms. Rather than being stuck choosing between a nightmare creature or a dog. She doesn't want to waste this chance now that she knows it could happen again, it feels like - it's urgent, somehow. It's such a dumb, little thing, except it's not, because Lila is important.
Which is how Mukuro ends up knocking timidly at her door this evening, with that pretty red dress hung over her other arm.]
[Lila opens the door like a wildfire, smog drifting off her like clouds, and — stops. When she sees Mukuro. Just stops.]
[Mukuro and the dress.]
[It's been two months that feel like a thousand years, and she can't see the person who let Mukuro touch her scar and teased her so much in herself anymore. Not that she doesn't feel the same way about Mukuro. It's more that she just doesn't . . . feel the same. Her emotional range is narrowing further and further the more time passes between seeing Komaeda's tail hacked off and actually getting to do something about it. And then there's Riley.]
[And then there's the rest of it.]
[That's why Lila hesitates. Just for an instant, but it's enough. Then she drifts back and leaves space for Mukuro to step inside before vanishing back into her sparse apartment. As she goes, waves of her hand light a couple of small lamps. She hops up on the kitchen island and crosses her legs, looks down at Mukuro with her chin in her hand.]
. . . Hey. What's up?
[Weird energy, but okay.]
[Mukuro and the dress.]
[It's been two months that feel like a thousand years, and she can't see the person who let Mukuro touch her scar and teased her so much in herself anymore. Not that she doesn't feel the same way about Mukuro. It's more that she just doesn't . . . feel the same. Her emotional range is narrowing further and further the more time passes between seeing Komaeda's tail hacked off and actually getting to do something about it. And then there's Riley.]
[And then there's the rest of it.]
[That's why Lila hesitates. Just for an instant, but it's enough. Then she drifts back and leaves space for Mukuro to step inside before vanishing back into her sparse apartment. As she goes, waves of her hand light a couple of small lamps. She hops up on the kitchen island and crosses her legs, looks down at Mukuro with her chin in her hand.]
. . . Hey. What's up?
[Weird energy, but okay.]
[...Ah.
She's still upset.
Mukuro's ears droop. It's maybe not entirely her fault, there's been a lot going on that put everyone on edge. But she knows some of that blame is hers. There's a nervous little twist in her stomach but she just pads in after Lila, obedient and contrite - she's in trouble, or at least it feels like it, but she deserves it. And she knows Lila won't hurt her, so--]
H-Hey.
I - Um. I wanted to return this. I'm sorry it took so long, I--
[how does she explain "it ended up in a nest i made because i was sad about your boyfriend missing"]
I, uh - a lot - happened.
[She is so very awful at this.
She takes another hesitant step forward, laying the dress over the back of a chair so it won't be wrinkled or anything. It's clean, she even inspected it for shed fur, so at least she knows she didn't fuck that up.]
...Also, um. I wanted to - apologize.
She's still upset.
Mukuro's ears droop. It's maybe not entirely her fault, there's been a lot going on that put everyone on edge. But she knows some of that blame is hers. There's a nervous little twist in her stomach but she just pads in after Lila, obedient and contrite - she's in trouble, or at least it feels like it, but she deserves it. And she knows Lila won't hurt her, so--]
H-Hey.
I - Um. I wanted to return this. I'm sorry it took so long, I--
[how does she explain "it ended up in a nest i made because i was sad about your boyfriend missing"]
I, uh - a lot - happened.
[She is so very awful at this.
She takes another hesitant step forward, laying the dress over the back of a chair so it won't be wrinkled or anything. It's clean, she even inspected it for shed fur, so at least she knows she didn't fuck that up.]
...Also, um. I wanted to - apologize.
. . . 'S no big deal. Not like I had anywhere to wear it.
[While her boyfriend was getting murdered, and then Steve was also getting murdered, and Mukuro was getting blinded, and she was trying to give Riley a heart attack, and also she said the l-word . . . It's been an informal couple of months.]
[Admittedly, she's kind of impressed when she leans over to inspect the dress. Huffing out a sound that might or might not be a laugh, she shakes her head.] You didn't have to get it dry-cleaned, you know.
[A joke. Of course Mukuro didn't. She just . . . knows that. Something about the scent, she's pretty sure.]
[Ah, but. An apology. She tips her head.] Why's that?
[While her boyfriend was getting murdered, and then Steve was also getting murdered, and Mukuro was getting blinded, and she was trying to give Riley a heart attack, and also she said the l-word . . . It's been an informal couple of months.]
[Admittedly, she's kind of impressed when she leans over to inspect the dress. Huffing out a sound that might or might not be a laugh, she shakes her head.] You didn't have to get it dry-cleaned, you know.
[A joke. Of course Mukuro didn't. She just . . . knows that. Something about the scent, she's pretty sure.]
[Ah, but. An apology. She tips her head.] Why's that?
[There's a nervous flicker of a smile, there and gone, at Lila's joke. She knows, she's just teasing,
but everything is still so tense. Wrong.]
Because. I messed up. I was s--
[She cuts herself off quickly, when she remembers, no, Lila doesn't like it when she says that--]
I - I didn't - think things through, and I upset you. I didn't mean to, and I'm sorry.
[Her eyes keep darting - the floor, a lamp, a brief glance at Lila's face and then away again. She's very, very used to apologizing for things, but - she hasn't had to do this with Lila, yet. Not really. So she doesn't know exactly what she needs to say to fix it. And her usual habits are incorrect; Lila just gets more upset if Mukuro admits to being stupid or careless. So - it's nerve-wracking, trying to figure out the right path. The last thing she wants to do is hurt her more.]
You're still upset.
I know - a lot's going on. But still. Part of it is - me. I'm sorry.
but everything is still so tense. Wrong.]
Because. I messed up. I was s--
[She cuts herself off quickly, when she remembers, no, Lila doesn't like it when she says that--]
I - I didn't - think things through, and I upset you. I didn't mean to, and I'm sorry.
[Her eyes keep darting - the floor, a lamp, a brief glance at Lila's face and then away again. She's very, very used to apologizing for things, but - she hasn't had to do this with Lila, yet. Not really. So she doesn't know exactly what she needs to say to fix it. And her usual habits are incorrect; Lila just gets more upset if Mukuro admits to being stupid or careless. So - it's nerve-wracking, trying to figure out the right path. The last thing she wants to do is hurt her more.]
You're still upset.
I know - a lot's going on. But still. Part of it is - me. I'm sorry.
[Good catch. Lila's eyes narrow for a moment, right up until Mukuro corrects herself. Not great that Mukuro thought it, but it's not like she can change the way somebody thinks. Not in the way she wants to treat Mukuro. She doesn't know how to be good like that.]
[Still, it's — complicated. It's hard, and she feels weird about it, and she doesn't hide that; her expression is complicated, too.]
You already said sorry, though. Before, when we talked. You don't have to keep saying it. That's not what's bothering me.
[She sighs. Slides her feet backward into the stone of the island, then retracts them. It feels like ice-cold socks.]
You don't care what happens to you. You didn't think things through because you don't care. That's what's bothering me. I don't know how you can promise to not do it again when that part hasn't changed. You're not, like . . . you wouldn't do it on purpose. Not for attention or pity like some people might. You just don't see yourself how other people see you. And—
[Ugh. She closes her mouth. She doesn't actually want to talk shit about Riley, it's just — it's frustrating. It's frustrating, and it's not fair, and she's just gonna sound jealous and crazy anyway so she shouldn't bother. But that's not it. That's not it at all. Selfish and selfless don't go together for long without someone changing or getting used up.]
Whatever. I have trust issues, I guess.
[Still, it's — complicated. It's hard, and she feels weird about it, and she doesn't hide that; her expression is complicated, too.]
You already said sorry, though. Before, when we talked. You don't have to keep saying it. That's not what's bothering me.
[She sighs. Slides her feet backward into the stone of the island, then retracts them. It feels like ice-cold socks.]
You don't care what happens to you. You didn't think things through because you don't care. That's what's bothering me. I don't know how you can promise to not do it again when that part hasn't changed. You're not, like . . . you wouldn't do it on purpose. Not for attention or pity like some people might. You just don't see yourself how other people see you. And—
[Ugh. She closes her mouth. She doesn't actually want to talk shit about Riley, it's just — it's frustrating. It's frustrating, and it's not fair, and she's just gonna sound jealous and crazy anyway so she shouldn't bother. But that's not it. That's not it at all. Selfish and selfless don't go together for long without someone changing or getting used up.]
Whatever. I have trust issues, I guess.
[Well. Lila's right about most of that. Mukuro's willing to hurt or die for the people who deserve it more if it's necessary. She just - needs to get better at figuring out when that is, and what her limits here are. She opens her mouth, but - that bit about trust issues, though, that makes her pause. Head tilting to one side, she blinks, considering, before she speaks again.]
...You're not - wrong. I don't really - I don't see myself like that. I don't care if I get hurt. I've been hurt - my whole life. I can handle it.
But - I know you do. You care, and it hurts you, and that's not - I won't just let that happen. The only reason I'm okay with getting hurt is to make sure nobody else is. It's - pointless, if it's not working.
And you're not - you're not the only one. Who cares. I don't understand it but I don't want to just - throw that away.
It's too important.
[Her voice is soft and stilted, trying so hard to really communicate rather than just try to assuage any anger and sweep it all under the rug. Lila's never ever lied to her, and Mukuro's never lied to Lila. She doesn't want to ruin that just because she's anxious.
Even if the next part is the most difficult.]
So I won't - I'm going to try to be - better. I've been trying.
...I might still mess up. I'm s-- ssstill trying to learn. And I understand if that's - if it's too much.
[Because Lila deserves better than a work in progress.]
But - I promise - I'm going to keep trying. And if there's something else bothering you, I want to know, or else I can't fix it.
...You're not - wrong. I don't really - I don't see myself like that. I don't care if I get hurt. I've been hurt - my whole life. I can handle it.
But - I know you do. You care, and it hurts you, and that's not - I won't just let that happen. The only reason I'm okay with getting hurt is to make sure nobody else is. It's - pointless, if it's not working.
And you're not - you're not the only one. Who cares. I don't understand it but I don't want to just - throw that away.
It's too important.
[Her voice is soft and stilted, trying so hard to really communicate rather than just try to assuage any anger and sweep it all under the rug. Lila's never ever lied to her, and Mukuro's never lied to Lila. She doesn't want to ruin that just because she's anxious.
Even if the next part is the most difficult.]
So I won't - I'm going to try to be - better. I've been trying.
...I might still mess up. I'm s-- ssstill trying to learn. And I understand if that's - if it's too much.
[Because Lila deserves better than a work in progress.]
But - I promise - I'm going to keep trying. And if there's something else bothering you, I want to know, or else I can't fix it.
[As she watches Mukuro, her expression is careful. Thoughtful. It's calculating, but not in an unkind way. More than anything, she's just trying to figure this out. The way this is all playing out . . . she doesn't talk about feelings, not usually. Not before here. In this place, she can't fix things the way she usually does. She has to do it this way.]
[It kind of sucks. She doesn't know if she's getting better at it. Right now, it would be a lot easier to stop. But something's sort of clicking in her head all the same. Like she's almost got the key, the right words to crack the cipher, but not quite. Nearly there.]
If somebody who fucked up a lot was too much, I wouldn't give Komaeda the time of day. And I've dealt with way more fucked up than you, Mukuro, no offense. You're a badass and I know you have your shit, but there's a lot you'd have to do to me to even make it into the same hemisphere as what I've chosen not to put up with.
[That . . . being said. Hm. She crosses her arms in her lap, claws tapping on her thigh. How to put this?]
I believe you'll try to be better. I know you'll do that because people care about you. Lots of people do. But there are people in the world . . .
[Inhale. Through her teeth.]
There are people in the world who can care about you one minute and then the next minute, they're so deep in their own shit that even though they still care, it's like — it's like they're somewhere else. In a universe of just them and their feelings and their misery. No such thing as consequences or collateral damage. Looking out from there, they don't see anyone but themselves. And people like you, you know—
If somebody looks at you like that, from drowning in their own personal hell, and they think the only thing that'll fix it is something that hurts you, who wins? Them or me? Because you're not worried about yourself for yourself, so it's like you don't even get a vote. I know now that I have to live for me first, because people can say a lot of shit and act a different way, but that's me. That's not how you live. So what happens if one of the people who says they care whether you get hurt or not turns around and acts the opposite?
That's what freaks me out. I'm not going anywhere, and I won't, that's not what it's about. It's about you.
[It kind of sucks. She doesn't know if she's getting better at it. Right now, it would be a lot easier to stop. But something's sort of clicking in her head all the same. Like she's almost got the key, the right words to crack the cipher, but not quite. Nearly there.]
If somebody who fucked up a lot was too much, I wouldn't give Komaeda the time of day. And I've dealt with way more fucked up than you, Mukuro, no offense. You're a badass and I know you have your shit, but there's a lot you'd have to do to me to even make it into the same hemisphere as what I've chosen not to put up with.
[That . . . being said. Hm. She crosses her arms in her lap, claws tapping on her thigh. How to put this?]
I believe you'll try to be better. I know you'll do that because people care about you. Lots of people do. But there are people in the world . . .
[Inhale. Through her teeth.]
There are people in the world who can care about you one minute and then the next minute, they're so deep in their own shit that even though they still care, it's like — it's like they're somewhere else. In a universe of just them and their feelings and their misery. No such thing as consequences or collateral damage. Looking out from there, they don't see anyone but themselves. And people like you, you know—
If somebody looks at you like that, from drowning in their own personal hell, and they think the only thing that'll fix it is something that hurts you, who wins? Them or me? Because you're not worried about yourself for yourself, so it's like you don't even get a vote. I know now that I have to live for me first, because people can say a lot of shit and act a different way, but that's me. That's not how you live. So what happens if one of the people who says they care whether you get hurt or not turns around and acts the opposite?
That's what freaks me out. I'm not going anywhere, and I won't, that's not what it's about. It's about you.
[Mukuro can't help almost smiling at the first bit. Between Komaeda and her, Lila really had chosen to stick with some real disasters. It really doesn't make sense to her at all but Mukuro wouldn't dream of taking it for granted.
The followup, though, makes her go very still. It's an extremely astute question, one that cuts right to the heart of the issue. Maybe without even really meaning to. Lila knows some of what she's been through, more than most people, but - not all of it. She can't know. But that exact dilemma, or something close enough to cut - Mukuro's hurt being someone else's salvation --
She swallows, closes her eyes briefly, and takes a slow breath. In and out. Takes a moment to sit, tail curled around herself.
Talking is hard. She kind of hates it, too. But she wouldn't trade what she has now for what she was before. The dead grey calm was more easily managed, but here - here it feels like she's actually breathing, living, even if it hurts.]
...I don't - know. I - when - b-before, I only ever -
[Try again. In, out. ]
Before here, I only ever had - one person. Who cared. Who - mattered, to me. And no one else - could hurt me. I told you - I never lost a fight. And that - that's true. But I never - f-fought - her.
[Her voice is very soft. She's trying. She doesn't want to talk about any of it, but Lila's trying to understand. The least Mukuro can do is give her the pieces.]
...If she needed me to hurt someone else, I would.
If she needed to hurt me - I'd let her.
There was no one else who ever cared about either of us. So it didn't matter. And I could handle it. If it helped.
But h-here - it's different. I can't just - I have to - choose. And it's hard, I never - I'm used to taking orders. I've always just listened. I never had to plan or choose or - a-anything like that.
... So I'm n-not - not good at it, yet. This was a bad choice. But no one - made me.
[so maybe next time she'll be less stupid. make a better one. not hurt her friends.]
...If I have to choose who wins - I'll pick better, next time.
The followup, though, makes her go very still. It's an extremely astute question, one that cuts right to the heart of the issue. Maybe without even really meaning to. Lila knows some of what she's been through, more than most people, but - not all of it. She can't know. But that exact dilemma, or something close enough to cut - Mukuro's hurt being someone else's salvation --
She swallows, closes her eyes briefly, and takes a slow breath. In and out. Takes a moment to sit, tail curled around herself.
Talking is hard. She kind of hates it, too. But she wouldn't trade what she has now for what she was before. The dead grey calm was more easily managed, but here - here it feels like she's actually breathing, living, even if it hurts.]
...I don't - know. I - when - b-before, I only ever -
[Try again. In, out. ]
Before here, I only ever had - one person. Who cared. Who - mattered, to me. And no one else - could hurt me. I told you - I never lost a fight. And that - that's true. But I never - f-fought - her.
[Her voice is very soft. She's trying. She doesn't want to talk about any of it, but Lila's trying to understand. The least Mukuro can do is give her the pieces.]
...If she needed me to hurt someone else, I would.
If she needed to hurt me - I'd let her.
There was no one else who ever cared about either of us. So it didn't matter. And I could handle it. If it helped.
But h-here - it's different. I can't just - I have to - choose. And it's hard, I never - I'm used to taking orders. I've always just listened. I never had to plan or choose or - a-anything like that.
... So I'm n-not - not good at it, yet. This was a bad choice. But no one - made me.
[so maybe next time she'll be less stupid. make a better one. not hurt her friends.]
...If I have to choose who wins - I'll pick better, next time.
[Between being forced to watch and manipulation, we all became her envoys of despair.]
[I was one of the few people that Junko didn't need to manipulate. She . . . saw me. My loneliness. She gave me what I wanted the most: a purpose.]
[This time, the look she gives Mukuro . . . it's not cold, not exactly. It's shrewd. For the first time, she looks at Mukuro like a puzzle. The thing is that she could manipulate Mukuro. She could manipulate Komaeda, too. It would be easy. They're really, really easy to read. Mukuro is an open book right now.]
[But she doesn't. She won't. That's what Cassel does. That's not her. She might be crazy, but she's not a coward, and she'll never take the coward's way out. Not even now. Not when what's being said to her makes her feel sick. If she wasn't a fucking ghost, she'd be on her knees over the toilet right now, anger and illness and wrong.]
[But she still does it. She floats over to the refrigerator. She opens it, then opens the cheese drawer. She digs around in it, pulling the few items she has out and dropping them carelessly on the counter. Her fingers are cold, but not from the fridge, when she pulls out a piece of paper and unfolds it, hands it to Mukuro in silence. Watches.]
[It says:]
Junko Enoshima
MW — Ko
[It's just a hunch. Just a hunch. But her hunches — they tend to pan out.]
[I was one of the few people that Junko didn't need to manipulate. She . . . saw me. My loneliness. She gave me what I wanted the most: a purpose.]
[This time, the look she gives Mukuro . . . it's not cold, not exactly. It's shrewd. For the first time, she looks at Mukuro like a puzzle. The thing is that she could manipulate Mukuro. She could manipulate Komaeda, too. It would be easy. They're really, really easy to read. Mukuro is an open book right now.]
[But she doesn't. She won't. That's what Cassel does. That's not her. She might be crazy, but she's not a coward, and she'll never take the coward's way out. Not even now. Not when what's being said to her makes her feel sick. If she wasn't a fucking ghost, she'd be on her knees over the toilet right now, anger and illness and wrong.]
[But she still does it. She floats over to the refrigerator. She opens it, then opens the cheese drawer. She digs around in it, pulling the few items she has out and dropping them carelessly on the counter. Her fingers are cold, but not from the fridge, when she pulls out a piece of paper and unfolds it, hands it to Mukuro in silence. Watches.]
[It says:]
Junko Enoshima
MW — Ko
[It's just a hunch. Just a hunch. But her hunches — they tend to pan out.]
[Mukuro waits. For questions, or reprimand, or - something. A reaction. But nothing comes. When she looks up, Lila's just - watching her. Looking at her in a way Lila hasn't ever before. Something's - wrong. Mukuro knows. Something in the air feels thick and heavy. She did something wrong, she said something - but before she can try to apologize, Lila turns, finds what she was looking for, and hands her an innocuous little note.
Junko Enoshima.
it feels like she can't breathe. like perfectly manicured nails digging into her heart. like she's falling, tripped, shoved down a flight of stairs with a wink and a carnivore grin. did you think you could just forget me and move on, mukuro-nee? did you think i'd make it easy? did you think you could just pretend? act like you belong? like you're not just a lost dog? pathetic worthless disappointment whatpartofyouisawolfanyway--
she hasn't moved. she hasn't said a word. she hasn't even looked away from the note. just kept very, very still, breathing very, very shallowly through her half-open mouth.
like if she moves everything will break.
because it feels like it will. and she doesn't know how to fix it.]
Junko Enoshima.
it feels like she can't breathe. like perfectly manicured nails digging into her heart. like she's falling, tripped, shoved down a flight of stairs with a wink and a carnivore grin. did you think you could just forget me and move on, mukuro-nee? did you think i'd make it easy? did you think you could just pretend? act like you belong? like you're not just a lost dog? pathetic worthless disappointment whatpartofyouisawolfanyway--
she hasn't moved. she hasn't said a word. she hasn't even looked away from the note. just kept very, very still, breathing very, very shallowly through her half-open mouth.
like if she moves everything will break.
because it feels like it will. and she doesn't know how to fix it.]
Edited 2021-09-24 09:00 (UTC)
[Well.]
[That answers that, doesn't it.]
[Her ears are ringing. Ringing, ringing, humming, screaming, round and round, the noise of her own trapped mind, the rustle of newspaper crunching underfoot as she paces around the inside of her prison of bone and flesh. She stands still, staring at Mukuro staring at the note, and screams around the tiny room in her head, claws digging into the wallpaper until it shreds.]
[Inside the cupboards, something explodes. Then another, another, another. She only has so many glasses, so it stops eventually. The cupboard door creaks open, and shattered glass tumbles out onto the counter.]
[Get out.]
[Liar.]
[You were never going to tell me, and neither was he.]
[I can't trust any of you. I can't trust anyone.]
[No one loves me. No one will ever love me. Not first, not best, not ever. Empty, empty, empty, crazy broken girl. Why won't you just give up? Why do you keep fucking trying?]
[She doesn't scream. She doesn't cry. She doesn't curse. She doesn't lash out.]
[Somehow, she's too angry for any of those things.]
[Instead, she breathes. Slow and deliberate. In, out. She's shaking, trembling, vacillating out of existence every time she stops concentrating for even a fraction of a second. Her self wants to be elsewhere. But she's not a coward. She never backs down.]
[The paper crumples in her hand. Voice comes out low, rough in the space between them.]
"MW" stands for memory work. That's why I had it hidden. In case someone fucked with my memory, I could find it later and try to remember. Nobody ever has before, but I've seen what it does to people. I have to be ready. I can't forget this. Not ever.
[Reaching out, she bridges the space between them, takes Mukuro's shirt in her fist, and pulls her close. Gently. So gently. Like she's made of porcelain, a beautiful kintsugi bowl, practical and desperate for filling.]
[Lila can't leave her empty. So she pours all of herself in. That is, after all, her most authentic response. She never does anything halfway.]
If anyone — ever — treats you like that again. For any reason. Any reason. I will wear their skin. I'll eat them alive. I don't care who they are. There's no forgiveness, not for that. Nobody is allowed to treat you like you're worthless, ever ever ever again.
Do you hear me, Mukuro? I mean what I say. I mean it.
[That answers that, doesn't it.]
[Her ears are ringing. Ringing, ringing, humming, screaming, round and round, the noise of her own trapped mind, the rustle of newspaper crunching underfoot as she paces around the inside of her prison of bone and flesh. She stands still, staring at Mukuro staring at the note, and screams around the tiny room in her head, claws digging into the wallpaper until it shreds.]
[Inside the cupboards, something explodes. Then another, another, another. She only has so many glasses, so it stops eventually. The cupboard door creaks open, and shattered glass tumbles out onto the counter.]
[Get out.]
[Liar.]
[You were never going to tell me, and neither was he.]
[I can't trust any of you. I can't trust anyone.]
[No one loves me. No one will ever love me. Not first, not best, not ever. Empty, empty, empty, crazy broken girl. Why won't you just give up? Why do you keep fucking trying?]
[She doesn't scream. She doesn't cry. She doesn't curse. She doesn't lash out.]
[Somehow, she's too angry for any of those things.]
[Instead, she breathes. Slow and deliberate. In, out. She's shaking, trembling, vacillating out of existence every time she stops concentrating for even a fraction of a second. Her self wants to be elsewhere. But she's not a coward. She never backs down.]
[The paper crumples in her hand. Voice comes out low, rough in the space between them.]
"MW" stands for memory work. That's why I had it hidden. In case someone fucked with my memory, I could find it later and try to remember. Nobody ever has before, but I've seen what it does to people. I have to be ready. I can't forget this. Not ever.
[Reaching out, she bridges the space between them, takes Mukuro's shirt in her fist, and pulls her close. Gently. So gently. Like she's made of porcelain, a beautiful kintsugi bowl, practical and desperate for filling.]
[Lila can't leave her empty. So she pours all of herself in. That is, after all, her most authentic response. She never does anything halfway.]
If anyone — ever — treats you like that again. For any reason. Any reason. I will wear their skin. I'll eat them alive. I don't care who they are. There's no forgiveness, not for that. Nobody is allowed to treat you like you're worthless, ever ever ever again.
Do you hear me, Mukuro? I mean what I say. I mean it.
Edited 2021-09-24 09:15 (UTC)
[she jumps, flinches, at every explosion, glass unable to handle the pressure and breaking into jagged, dangerous shards - just like us, mukuro-nee, we've always been broken, we can't be fixed and we'll hurt anyone who tries - she's trembling, too, like a stupid little purse dog, who's afraid of the big bad wolf? with the sound of familiar laughter in her head, and it doesn't matter that they're both long dead when the memory of her is so strong. she doesn't need the real thing when she has the echo of her, like always, like they'd traded pieces of themselves so they'd never be apart.
Lila's claws curl into the fabric of her shirt and pulls, and she can't help a shallow little gasp, wide glassy eyes lifting to focus on her face. expecting pain, expecting punishment, but entirely willing to accept it. because even if Lila's never hurt her before - that's her role. that's always been her role. mukuro is not her own person, she never has been, it's been stupid of her to pretend otherwise - she's just a disappointing copy, a hollow puppet, who exists only for what she can do for others. so she moves for her, obedient and unresisting.
but that's not what happens.
Lila tells her that's not what will ever happen. that she'll stop it, fight to protect her, and it's not like before, no one else, only me, it's righteous fury that anyone would hurt her.
she swallows, staring, and nods. something in her coils comfortably.
(hers, hers, hers)]
I hear you.
[her voice is soft, shaking, but completely sure. Lila is always, always honest with her. Lila would never say something she didn't mean. Lila's voice is real, and all her jagged edges are pointed outward.
she swallows again and speaks, trying to explain, somehow, knowing that it won't come out right but she's trying--]
I had - a piece of her - I s-sacrificed it. To the vortex, it meant everything, I wanted to - s-stay here. To - move on. K-Komaeda said we h-have to try - to be better. To - I'm trying. I'm trying, I swear, I'm trying to be better, Lila, please, [she's still trembling, blinking tears out of her eyes, ] please don't make me leave.
Lila's claws curl into the fabric of her shirt and pulls, and she can't help a shallow little gasp, wide glassy eyes lifting to focus on her face. expecting pain, expecting punishment, but entirely willing to accept it. because even if Lila's never hurt her before - that's her role. that's always been her role. mukuro is not her own person, she never has been, it's been stupid of her to pretend otherwise - she's just a disappointing copy, a hollow puppet, who exists only for what she can do for others. so she moves for her, obedient and unresisting.
but that's not what happens.
Lila tells her that's not what will ever happen. that she'll stop it, fight to protect her, and it's not like before, no one else, only me, it's righteous fury that anyone would hurt her.
she swallows, staring, and nods. something in her coils comfortably.
(hers, hers, hers)]
I hear you.
[her voice is soft, shaking, but completely sure. Lila is always, always honest with her. Lila would never say something she didn't mean. Lila's voice is real, and all her jagged edges are pointed outward.
she swallows again and speaks, trying to explain, somehow, knowing that it won't come out right but she's trying--]
I had - a piece of her - I s-sacrificed it. To the vortex, it meant everything, I wanted to - s-stay here. To - move on. K-Komaeda said we h-have to try - to be better. To - I'm trying. I'm trying, I swear, I'm trying to be better, Lila, please, [she's still trembling, blinking tears out of her eyes, ] please don't make me leave.
Edited 2021-09-24 17:13 (UTC)
[The way Mukuro is looking at her, Lila doesn't know if she understands. Maybe she hears, but she doesn't understand. When you're that scared, it's hard to really listen, hard to tease meaning out of phonemes, hard to parse human language. You beg and you bargain and you claw for freedom and safety but that doesn't always mean listening. The difference with Mukuro is she wouldn't try for those things, because she doesn't think she deserves them.]
[That's the whole point.]
[Her expression stays steely. A piece of Junko Enoshima. Komaeda said — Komaeda knew. Komaeda knew, which means Celeste must know, and that means they've all known, together, and there's ringing in her ears again, liars, liars, because Komaeda told her but he didn't talk about this part and when she thinks about it it makes sense, it wasn't his to tell, but when she stops thinking she's angry. Angry. All of her body is anger.]
[She has to make something hurt.]
[Her claws tighten, then release. She lets Mukuro go deliberately, with intention, because she wants to do damage but she doesn't want to do it to Mukuro. Mukuro who is looking at her like she's promised to do a favor, when it isn't about that at all. It isn't about protection. It's about possession. Komaeda is hers. Mukuro is hers, too. Even if they lie to her, even if they keep things from her, they belong to her, and she's never, ever going to let this happen to them again. Does Mukuro understand? Does she get it? It's not about protection. It's about putting an end to the same kind of ugliness that ripped all of their lives apart before.]
[She will kill Junko if she arrives here. She will kill Riley if she does anything like this ever again. Even if Komaeda and Mukuro and Celeste keep lying to her, even if they do, even then—]
[Static flies in the space around her. Sparks. One hits the wall and sizzles before extinguishing.]
[They belong to her. And she's not going to lose again.]
. . . I don't want you to leave.
[Despite everything, her voice is quiet. Somber.]
If you hear me and you understand and you don't want to leave, then don't. You're mine. I'm not letting you go. But only if you want that.
[That's the whole point.]
[Her expression stays steely. A piece of Junko Enoshima. Komaeda said — Komaeda knew. Komaeda knew, which means Celeste must know, and that means they've all known, together, and there's ringing in her ears again, liars, liars, because Komaeda told her but he didn't talk about this part and when she thinks about it it makes sense, it wasn't his to tell, but when she stops thinking she's angry. Angry. All of her body is anger.]
[She has to make something hurt.]
[Her claws tighten, then release. She lets Mukuro go deliberately, with intention, because she wants to do damage but she doesn't want to do it to Mukuro. Mukuro who is looking at her like she's promised to do a favor, when it isn't about that at all. It isn't about protection. It's about possession. Komaeda is hers. Mukuro is hers, too. Even if they lie to her, even if they keep things from her, they belong to her, and she's never, ever going to let this happen to them again. Does Mukuro understand? Does she get it? It's not about protection. It's about putting an end to the same kind of ugliness that ripped all of their lives apart before.]
[She will kill Junko if she arrives here. She will kill Riley if she does anything like this ever again. Even if Komaeda and Mukuro and Celeste keep lying to her, even if they do, even then—]
[Static flies in the space around her. Sparks. One hits the wall and sizzles before extinguishing.]
[They belong to her. And she's not going to lose again.]
. . . I don't want you to leave.
[Despite everything, her voice is quiet. Somber.]
If you hear me and you understand and you don't want to leave, then don't. You're mine. I'm not letting you go. But only if you want that.
cw: mukuro responding very positively to unhealthy relationship dynamics, because, gestures
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dead_eyed_wolf
2021-09-25 08:14 pm (UTC)(link)
[Lila is still upset. Lila is like her, and being this angry makes her want to lash out. mukuro can see it, all of it, and still she stays passive and unresisting, ready to take whatever Lila thinks she deserves. whatever it takes to be forgiven.
and yet. Lila still lets her go. offers to let her leave, but doesn't want her to. "you're mine."
mukuro has never wanted nor needed to be protected by someone else. it's not a possibility in her mind. Lila's anger is righteous, even if the reason is not. And mukuro has always, always, always belonged to someone else. it's familiar, it's comfortable. and - someone who will be honest with her, rather than make her guess and punish her for being incorrect - someone who will simply tell her to follow, to act, rather than drag her around on strings - yes, of course she wants to stay. how could she not?
just a stray dog, just an obedient bitch, but she can hardly hear it anymore with Lila commanding all of her attention. she nods, staring up at her with wide wondering eyes, too humble to reach for her but sitting up in her best posture, i can be a good dog--]
Y-- yes. Yes. I want to stay.
[her voice is rasping; from emotion, from tears, from the comfortable constriction of a phantom collar around her throat--]
That's - th-that's what I chose. I want to stay. I n-never - I just didn't want to - burden anyone else.
[she stares up at the shade with wide eyes, expression desperate and open. she didn't lie, she wouldn't lie to Lila, not to her, not ever. not even about this. she wouldn't talk about it by herself, it's too raw, too close to her heart, but--]
and yet. Lila still lets her go. offers to let her leave, but doesn't want her to. "you're mine."
mukuro has never wanted nor needed to be protected by someone else. it's not a possibility in her mind. Lila's anger is righteous, even if the reason is not. And mukuro has always, always, always belonged to someone else. it's familiar, it's comfortable. and - someone who will be honest with her, rather than make her guess and punish her for being incorrect - someone who will simply tell her to follow, to act, rather than drag her around on strings - yes, of course she wants to stay. how could she not?
just a stray dog, just an obedient bitch, but she can hardly hear it anymore with Lila commanding all of her attention. she nods, staring up at her with wide wondering eyes, too humble to reach for her but sitting up in her best posture, i can be a good dog--]
Y-- yes. Yes. I want to stay.
[her voice is rasping; from emotion, from tears, from the comfortable constriction of a phantom collar around her throat--]
That's - th-that's what I chose. I want to stay. I n-never - I just didn't want to - burden anyone else.
[she stares up at the shade with wide eyes, expression desperate and open. she didn't lie, she wouldn't lie to Lila, not to her, not ever. not even about this. she wouldn't talk about it by herself, it's too raw, too close to her heart, but--]
[Didn't want . . . to burden anyone.]
[Lila doesn't understand what that's like. That instinct, it's never been in her. She's never wanted to make herself small enough that she won't bother anyone else. The world isn't enough for her, and she knows she deserves it and more. As often as she's been taken down, put in a box, squeezed into the tiniest possible shape she could manage, she's never once doubted her own right to existence. If anything, those beatdowns have just made her stronger.]
[But Mukuro isn't like that. Mukuro believes she's a burden. That people just put up with her, at best. She doesn't say it the way Cassel does. Mukuro . . . doesn't know how to manipulate anyone.]
[Komaeda does, but not like Cassel either. And he's so broken. The way he said it, he was broken long before Junko found him.]
[These facts, they make Lila feel something, but she doesn't know what it is. It just hurts, more like an absence than a presence. Like someone's cut her open just the way Steve and Komaeda were cut open, scooped her insides out, and thrown them away. The emptiness inside is something she doesn't know how to name. There's anger in it, but that isn't all.]
[She's insane, she knows she is. She knows Mukuro must know, too. All of them, their messy little group, they're all fucked up in the head. But the kind she is, she became out of her own necessity. The kind Mukuro is . . . was to meet someone else's need.]
[That's . . . not okay. It's not okay, her being small for the sake of someone outside of her. That's what Cassel wanted, even if he didn't know it; his mom did know, and she made it happen, and it echoes in Lila's ribcage even now, the love implanted in her body and her mind that had to be ripped from its moorings by force. That doesn't mean it's gone. She still has the scars, and they ache on bad days.]
[Maybe she's sad.]
[The look on her face is hard to read right now. The silence is . . . probably not comfortable for Mukuro. But there are none of the anger signs: no ozone, nothing breaking, no power surges. She's quiet, sitting on the island with one leg crossed over the other. Above, while Mukuro is below.]
You don't, [is what she murmurs eventually, lifting her chin; and as she does, she carries Mukuro along with her eyeline. The wolf lifts from her seat, rises gently and slowly. It feels weightless, but doesn't confine. If she wants to wriggle free, she can.]
[If she doesn't, Lila brings her up to eye level. Holds her there, close and focused on her alone. When she reaches out, it's — strangely tentative, like she's afraid she might break something. But in the end, she cups Mukuro's cheek in her ghostly hand and just looks at her. Just tries, as best she can, to see her.]
You don't burden anyone. You couldn't if you tried.
[Lila doesn't understand what that's like. That instinct, it's never been in her. She's never wanted to make herself small enough that she won't bother anyone else. The world isn't enough for her, and she knows she deserves it and more. As often as she's been taken down, put in a box, squeezed into the tiniest possible shape she could manage, she's never once doubted her own right to existence. If anything, those beatdowns have just made her stronger.]
[But Mukuro isn't like that. Mukuro believes she's a burden. That people just put up with her, at best. She doesn't say it the way Cassel does. Mukuro . . . doesn't know how to manipulate anyone.]
[Komaeda does, but not like Cassel either. And he's so broken. The way he said it, he was broken long before Junko found him.]
[These facts, they make Lila feel something, but she doesn't know what it is. It just hurts, more like an absence than a presence. Like someone's cut her open just the way Steve and Komaeda were cut open, scooped her insides out, and thrown them away. The emptiness inside is something she doesn't know how to name. There's anger in it, but that isn't all.]
[She's insane, she knows she is. She knows Mukuro must know, too. All of them, their messy little group, they're all fucked up in the head. But the kind she is, she became out of her own necessity. The kind Mukuro is . . . was to meet someone else's need.]
[That's . . . not okay. It's not okay, her being small for the sake of someone outside of her. That's what Cassel wanted, even if he didn't know it; his mom did know, and she made it happen, and it echoes in Lila's ribcage even now, the love implanted in her body and her mind that had to be ripped from its moorings by force. That doesn't mean it's gone. She still has the scars, and they ache on bad days.]
[Maybe she's sad.]
[The look on her face is hard to read right now. The silence is . . . probably not comfortable for Mukuro. But there are none of the anger signs: no ozone, nothing breaking, no power surges. She's quiet, sitting on the island with one leg crossed over the other. Above, while Mukuro is below.]
You don't, [is what she murmurs eventually, lifting her chin; and as she does, she carries Mukuro along with her eyeline. The wolf lifts from her seat, rises gently and slowly. It feels weightless, but doesn't confine. If she wants to wriggle free, she can.]
[If she doesn't, Lila brings her up to eye level. Holds her there, close and focused on her alone. When she reaches out, it's — strangely tentative, like she's afraid she might break something. But in the end, she cups Mukuro's cheek in her ghostly hand and just looks at her. Just tries, as best she can, to see her.]
You don't burden anyone. You couldn't if you tried.
cw: more unhealthy relationship stuff and also just, Unwell, In General,
dead_eyed_wolf
2021-09-26 05:31 am (UTC)(link)
[it's unnerving, to have no response. to be examined so intently. but she waits, obedient as always, patient even if only in appearance. she doesn't move, save her shaking. she doesn't beg or speak at all, she won't interrupt Lila's thoughts. it feels like an eternity with just her own heartbeat in her ears but there's no better muzzle than her training, she'll wait for as long as she's required to, sit, stay, good. pathetic.
it doesn't even matter how much she hates her own weakness, her endless list of flaws - she'd write them out in her own blood just for Lila's perusal if that's what she needed. it feels like - like her heart is being weighed. she's being judged on her worthiness, on whether or not she's to be cast aside. if her life's deeds are enough to condemn or save her.
isn't that what it's always been about? trying to save herself. trying to make up for the mistake that is her life. trying to justify her own existence, make herself an asset rather than a burden, prove she's worth keeping. trying desperately and always to not disappoint. it's been part of her forever, like a collar so tight it scars, a permanent mark of neglect. and before, there was only one person who ever noticed or knew, who mattered, who saw her. now...
when Lila speaks, she feels herself lift, gravity releasing its hold on her, and there's a barely-audible inhale. but she doesn't struggle, nor does she flinch from Lila's hand. her gaze doesn't waver. she doesn't need to watch, to worry - if Lila wanted to hurt her, mukuro would let her. but if Lila wanted to hurt her, she would have already.
her touch is impossibly gentle, and Lila looks at her, and mukuro's breathing hitches again - the words she's saying, they can't be true. it's wrong. but Lila doesn't lie. and finally her own voice comes again, meant to be "i'm sorry" because it feels like it's all she's ever been, always, but instead it comes out as:]
Th-thank you.
[small and wavering, as shaky as the rest of her, but she is trying so hard to believe her.]
it doesn't even matter how much she hates her own weakness, her endless list of flaws - she'd write them out in her own blood just for Lila's perusal if that's what she needed. it feels like - like her heart is being weighed. she's being judged on her worthiness, on whether or not she's to be cast aside. if her life's deeds are enough to condemn or save her.
isn't that what it's always been about? trying to save herself. trying to make up for the mistake that is her life. trying to justify her own existence, make herself an asset rather than a burden, prove she's worth keeping. trying desperately and always to not disappoint. it's been part of her forever, like a collar so tight it scars, a permanent mark of neglect. and before, there was only one person who ever noticed or knew, who mattered, who saw her. now...
when Lila speaks, she feels herself lift, gravity releasing its hold on her, and there's a barely-audible inhale. but she doesn't struggle, nor does she flinch from Lila's hand. her gaze doesn't waver. she doesn't need to watch, to worry - if Lila wanted to hurt her, mukuro would let her. but if Lila wanted to hurt her, she would have already.
her touch is impossibly gentle, and Lila looks at her, and mukuro's breathing hitches again - the words she's saying, they can't be true. it's wrong. but Lila doesn't lie. and finally her own voice comes again, meant to be "i'm sorry" because it feels like it's all she's ever been, always, but instead it comes out as:]
Th-thank you.
[small and wavering, as shaky as the rest of her, but she is trying so hard to believe her.]
. . . Yeah.
[Not you're welcome. This isn't that kind of conversation. This is one of those rare moments when Lila Zacharov doesn't feel right in asserting that, yes, any attention from her deserves gratitude. It's something she believes, for the most part. But Mukuro's more than earned a permanent place beside her. There's nothing about Mukuro that's unworthy or burdensome.]
[No, there isn't. The opposite is true, isn't it? Mukuro is more worthy than almost everyone else. As much as Mukuro is loyal to Lila, it goes fiercely in the other direction, and that's much rarer. There are a fair number of people she likes here, but only two she'd count as hers. It's not a one-way relationship. Hers means hers. She protects her own. She protected Cassel, didn't she? Back before he betrayed her.]
[But Mukuro won't. She's not clouded by the gutter guards of story anymore. She knows, she can see, that Mukuro is broken, is unwell, is healing in good ways and wrong ones. She sees that, and she accepts it. She sees Mukuro's flaws, and she claims her all the same. Those aren't an excuse to treat her poorly. They're a reason to circle the wagons, to hold her close, to wrap arms around her tightly and show the world she's not alone anymore. She won't ever be again.]
[Lila guards her people jealously. Mukuro doesn't think she needs protecting, but, well. Mukuro doesn't think there's anything in herself worth protecting.]
You're okay. You don't have to thank me. We're both fucked up, right? You and me. We're the same.
[Her hand slips from Mukuro's face to her own clawed, padded one. Pulls her close by the wrist, guides her through the air to rest on the island at her side. Snug and close, hips pressed together. Hand sliding around to hook possessively around Mukuro's other side. Her head comes to rest on Mukuro's shoulder. For right now, she's solid.]
. . . You make me really happy, Mukuro. I'm never happy. The last time I was happy before I came here, I don't even know. I think I forgot how. I lost it. But there's something in you that makes it easier for me to breathe. Like magic.
[Not you're welcome. This isn't that kind of conversation. This is one of those rare moments when Lila Zacharov doesn't feel right in asserting that, yes, any attention from her deserves gratitude. It's something she believes, for the most part. But Mukuro's more than earned a permanent place beside her. There's nothing about Mukuro that's unworthy or burdensome.]
[No, there isn't. The opposite is true, isn't it? Mukuro is more worthy than almost everyone else. As much as Mukuro is loyal to Lila, it goes fiercely in the other direction, and that's much rarer. There are a fair number of people she likes here, but only two she'd count as hers. It's not a one-way relationship. Hers means hers. She protects her own. She protected Cassel, didn't she? Back before he betrayed her.]
[But Mukuro won't. She's not clouded by the gutter guards of story anymore. She knows, she can see, that Mukuro is broken, is unwell, is healing in good ways and wrong ones. She sees that, and she accepts it. She sees Mukuro's flaws, and she claims her all the same. Those aren't an excuse to treat her poorly. They're a reason to circle the wagons, to hold her close, to wrap arms around her tightly and show the world she's not alone anymore. She won't ever be again.]
[Lila guards her people jealously. Mukuro doesn't think she needs protecting, but, well. Mukuro doesn't think there's anything in herself worth protecting.]
You're okay. You don't have to thank me. We're both fucked up, right? You and me. We're the same.
[Her hand slips from Mukuro's face to her own clawed, padded one. Pulls her close by the wrist, guides her through the air to rest on the island at her side. Snug and close, hips pressed together. Hand sliding around to hook possessively around Mukuro's other side. Her head comes to rest on Mukuro's shoulder. For right now, she's solid.]
. . . You make me really happy, Mukuro. I'm never happy. The last time I was happy before I came here, I don't even know. I think I forgot how. I lost it. But there's something in you that makes it easier for me to breathe. Like magic.
[the same. mukuro would never dare to compare them, not really; Lila seems so much stronger and smarter than she could ever be. but on some level, she understands. they've both been a little less than human for a long time. different circumstances, different approaches, different outcomes, but - they both don't quite know what they're doing. just trying their best, and fervently guarding anything and anyone they manage to secure for themselves.
there's another little inhale when Lila takes her by the wrist, but she doesn't resist at all. why would she? being brought closer, being permitted to sit alongside her rather than beneath - there's no reason for her to be anything but completely pliant in the shade's spectral grasp. and when Lila tucks herself against her, the relief that floods her system is so strong that for a moment she feels faint. she isn't sure what to do, at first, but Lila's next words draw all her attention. like everything else dims, mutes, so she can better focus on what's important.
she makes Lila happy.
she makes Lila happy.
it feels unbelievable, and yet she knows it's true. it has to be, because Lila is saying it to her, and it's impossible for mukuro to trust anyone else's words more. there are many people here she's grown to care for, more than she ever thought possible, so many it feels overwhelming sometimes - but Lila, Lila, she's the only one who's never once been hard to understand. she's never said something she didn't mean, she's never tried to spare anyone's feelings by hiding the truth, she's never made mukuro try to guess how she's feeling or what she needs. mukuro has always been able to trust everything Lila's ever said to her. she's proven it over and over and over. just because mukuro is so used to being useless - her own failings aren't an excuse to doubt her now. and it feels almost sacrilegious, to touch her without being invited, but it isn't fair for Lila to be the only one trying to bridge the gap.
so. she turns her head, tucking her snout down to nose at her. her tail curls around the both of them. and she reaches, finally, for Lila's available hand, to lace their fingers together again. careful, and hesitant, but trying.]
...You make me happy, too.
You've always been - nice to me, Lila.
I'm n-not - I've never been - scared of you.
[her voice is very quiet. almost a whisper. it's a hard thing to admit.
she's resigned to handle whatever comes her way. she's willing to endure the worst kinds of pain for the sake of others. she's willing to die, if she has to, even moreso now that she knows she'll come back. all her life she's had to be strong, brave, emotionless. but the fear is always there, even if it's buried deep, deep down.]
there's another little inhale when Lila takes her by the wrist, but she doesn't resist at all. why would she? being brought closer, being permitted to sit alongside her rather than beneath - there's no reason for her to be anything but completely pliant in the shade's spectral grasp. and when Lila tucks herself against her, the relief that floods her system is so strong that for a moment she feels faint. she isn't sure what to do, at first, but Lila's next words draw all her attention. like everything else dims, mutes, so she can better focus on what's important.
she makes Lila happy.
she makes Lila happy.
it feels unbelievable, and yet she knows it's true. it has to be, because Lila is saying it to her, and it's impossible for mukuro to trust anyone else's words more. there are many people here she's grown to care for, more than she ever thought possible, so many it feels overwhelming sometimes - but Lila, Lila, she's the only one who's never once been hard to understand. she's never said something she didn't mean, she's never tried to spare anyone's feelings by hiding the truth, she's never made mukuro try to guess how she's feeling or what she needs. mukuro has always been able to trust everything Lila's ever said to her. she's proven it over and over and over. just because mukuro is so used to being useless - her own failings aren't an excuse to doubt her now. and it feels almost sacrilegious, to touch her without being invited, but it isn't fair for Lila to be the only one trying to bridge the gap.
so. she turns her head, tucking her snout down to nose at her. her tail curls around the both of them. and she reaches, finally, for Lila's available hand, to lace their fingers together again. careful, and hesitant, but trying.]
...You make me happy, too.
You've always been - nice to me, Lila.
I'm n-not - I've never been - scared of you.
[her voice is very quiet. almost a whisper. it's a hard thing to admit.
she's resigned to handle whatever comes her way. she's willing to endure the worst kinds of pain for the sake of others. she's willing to die, if she has to, even moreso now that she knows she'll come back. all her life she's had to be strong, brave, emotionless. but the fear is always there, even if it's buried deep, deep down.]
Edited 2021-09-30 08:00 (UTC)
There once was a boy who was a Halloween fanatic. He loved dressing up for Halloween, he loved pulling pranks and watching horror movies, and above everything else... he loved candy. One fateful year, while he went trick-or-treating, he visited a house. This house was creepy as hell! It was big, it was old, it smelled like a grandmother and it was owned by a happy, old rich couple. The boy came here thinking that he would be handed out big chocolate bars, because it was a rich person's house but when he knocked on their door... he was handed a bag of that shitty candy that nobody likes! Tootsie rolls, shitty flavoured dum-dums, those weird... peanut things... needless to say, the boy was heartbroken. He was so heartbroken that he died, right there on their porch and now, every Halloween he goes out and finds people to curse. He wants everyone to suffer the same way he did!
Everybody is already suffering from his curse!! Send this to ten people to break the curse, or to avoid getting cursed, or you'll be stuck looking freakier than usual for the rest of your life!!!!!!!!!!
Everybody is already suffering from his curse!! Send this to ten people to break the curse, or to avoid getting cursed, or you'll be stuck looking freakier than usual for the rest of your life!!!!!!!!!!
no this is candycurse420 i dont know who the hell youre talking about
who would talk about dicks on the network
who would talk about dicks on the network
[She's still angry. Sadness is starting to eclipse her anger, but only just. Despite that, she feels herself connected to things other than her own feelings. This is her apartment, her kitchen, her island, her Mukuro — and a warm nose connecting her to all of the above. Coming back to herself when Mukuro nuzzles her is starting to feel automatic. It's a signal. It tells her that she's loved, despite all the odds.]
[When Mukuro noses at her, she responds immediately, instinctively, turning to meet the gesture and gently headbutt her, then rub her cheek and temple against Mukuro's jaw. That big fluffy tail tucks around them both; the cloud of her hair in turn surges forward in the almost-no-space between them and clings like static to Mukuro's throat and shoulders and face. Every tiny piece of Lila wants to be close to every tiny piece of Mukuro.]
[When her hand is taken, she slides her fingers into the wolf's grip instantly. Squeezes. Isn't going anywhere. Tucks her face under Mukuro's jaw and lets out a sharp breath, some pain in her chest releasing.]
Mm. Good. I don't want you to be scared of me.
[She never has. And why is that? What about Mukuro always felt easy to understand? Well, at the beginning it was because she was easy to read. Lila knew she could manipulate Mukuro if she had to. But she never ended up doing that, and things got so much deeper than that so quickly.]
[Maybe . . . she knows why. Maybe it's not so complicated.]
I want people to be scared of me so they don't hurt me. But you won't, ever. So there's nothing for either of us to be scared of.
[That's how it works, right? That's how it is with somebody you care about. They won't ever trap you. They won't ever back you into a corner. So it's okay not to be scared all the time. That's safe.]
[When Mukuro noses at her, she responds immediately, instinctively, turning to meet the gesture and gently headbutt her, then rub her cheek and temple against Mukuro's jaw. That big fluffy tail tucks around them both; the cloud of her hair in turn surges forward in the almost-no-space between them and clings like static to Mukuro's throat and shoulders and face. Every tiny piece of Lila wants to be close to every tiny piece of Mukuro.]
[When her hand is taken, she slides her fingers into the wolf's grip instantly. Squeezes. Isn't going anywhere. Tucks her face under Mukuro's jaw and lets out a sharp breath, some pain in her chest releasing.]
Mm. Good. I don't want you to be scared of me.
[She never has. And why is that? What about Mukuro always felt easy to understand? Well, at the beginning it was because she was easy to read. Lila knew she could manipulate Mukuro if she had to. But she never ended up doing that, and things got so much deeper than that so quickly.]
[Maybe . . . she knows why. Maybe it's not so complicated.]
I want people to be scared of me so they don't hurt me. But you won't, ever. So there's nothing for either of us to be scared of.
[That's how it works, right? That's how it is with somebody you care about. They won't ever trap you. They won't ever back you into a corner. So it's okay not to be scared all the time. That's safe.]
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