[Mukuro can't help almost smiling at the first bit. Between Komaeda and her, Lila really had chosen to stick with some real disasters. It really doesn't make sense to her at all but Mukuro wouldn't dream of taking it for granted.
The followup, though, makes her go very still. It's an extremely astute question, one that cuts right to the heart of the issue. Maybe without even really meaning to. Lila knows some of what she's been through, more than most people, but - not all of it. She can't know. But that exact dilemma, or something close enough to cut - Mukuro's hurt being someone else's salvation --
She swallows, closes her eyes briefly, and takes a slow breath. In and out. Takes a moment to sit, tail curled around herself.
Talking is hard. She kind of hates it, too. But she wouldn't trade what she has now for what she was before. The dead grey calm was more easily managed, but here - here it feels like she's actually breathing, living, even if it hurts.]
...I don't - know. I - when - b-before, I only ever -
[Try again. In, out. ]
Before here, I only ever had - one person. Who cared. Who - mattered, to me. And no one else - could hurt me. I told you - I never lost a fight. And that - that's true. But I never - f-fought - her.
[Her voice is very soft. She's trying. She doesn't want to talk about any of it, but Lila's trying to understand. The least Mukuro can do is give her the pieces.]
...If she needed me to hurt someone else, I would. If she needed to hurt me - I'd let her. There was no one else who ever cared about either of us. So it didn't matter. And I could handle it. If it helped. But h-here - it's different. I can't just - I have to - choose. And it's hard, I never - I'm used to taking orders. I've always just listened. I never had to plan or choose or - a-anything like that. ... So I'm n-not - not good at it, yet. This was a bad choice. But no one - made me.
[so maybe next time she'll be less stupid. make a better one. not hurt her friends.]
...If I have to choose who wins - I'll pick better, next time.
cw: junko (abusive relationships)
The followup, though, makes her go very still. It's an extremely astute question, one that cuts right to the heart of the issue. Maybe without even really meaning to. Lila knows some of what she's been through, more than most people, but - not all of it. She can't know. But that exact dilemma, or something close enough to cut - Mukuro's hurt being someone else's salvation --
She swallows, closes her eyes briefly, and takes a slow breath. In and out. Takes a moment to sit, tail curled around herself.
Talking is hard. She kind of hates it, too. But she wouldn't trade what she has now for what she was before. The dead grey calm was more easily managed, but here - here it feels like she's actually breathing, living, even if it hurts.]
...I don't - know. I - when - b-before, I only ever -
[Try again. In, out. ]
Before here, I only ever had - one person. Who cared. Who - mattered, to me. And no one else - could hurt me. I told you - I never lost a fight. And that - that's true. But I never - f-fought - her.
[Her voice is very soft. She's trying. She doesn't want to talk about any of it, but Lila's trying to understand. The least Mukuro can do is give her the pieces.]
...If she needed me to hurt someone else, I would.
If she needed to hurt me - I'd let her.
There was no one else who ever cared about either of us. So it didn't matter. And I could handle it. If it helped.
But h-here - it's different. I can't just - I have to - choose. And it's hard, I never - I'm used to taking orders. I've always just listened. I never had to plan or choose or - a-anything like that.
... So I'm n-not - not good at it, yet. This was a bad choice. But no one - made me.
[so maybe next time she'll be less stupid. make a better one. not hurt her friends.]
...If I have to choose who wins - I'll pick better, next time.