[it's unnerving, to have no response. to be examined so intently. but she waits, obedient as always, patient even if only in appearance. she doesn't move, save her shaking. she doesn't beg or speak at all, she won't interrupt Lila's thoughts. it feels like an eternity with just her own heartbeat in her ears but there's no better muzzle than her training, she'll wait for as long as she's required to, sit, stay, good. pathetic.
it doesn't even matter how much she hates her own weakness, her endless list of flaws - she'd write them out in her own blood just for Lila's perusal if that's what she needed. it feels like - like her heart is being weighed. she's being judged on her worthiness, on whether or not she's to be cast aside. if her life's deeds are enough to condemn or save her.
isn't that what it's always been about? trying to save herself. trying to make up for the mistake that is her life. trying to justify her own existence, make herself an asset rather than a burden, prove she's worth keeping. trying desperately and always to not disappoint. it's been part of her forever, like a collar so tight it scars, a permanent mark of neglect. and before, there was only one person who ever noticed or knew, who mattered, who saw her. now...
when Lila speaks, she feels herself lift, gravity releasing its hold on her, and there's a barely-audible inhale. but she doesn't struggle, nor does she flinch from Lila's hand. her gaze doesn't waver. she doesn't need to watch, to worry - if Lila wanted to hurt her, mukuro would let her. but if Lila wanted to hurt her, she would have already.
her touch is impossibly gentle, and Lila looks at her, and mukuro's breathing hitches again - the words she's saying, they can't be true. it's wrong. but Lila doesn't lie. and finally her own voice comes again, meant to be "i'm sorry" because it feels like it's all she's ever been, always, but instead it comes out as:]
Th-thank you.
[small and wavering, as shaky as the rest of her, but she is trying so hard to believe her.]
cw: more unhealthy relationship stuff and also just, Unwell, In General,
it doesn't even matter how much she hates her own weakness, her endless list of flaws - she'd write them out in her own blood just for Lila's perusal if that's what she needed. it feels like - like her heart is being weighed. she's being judged on her worthiness, on whether or not she's to be cast aside. if her life's deeds are enough to condemn or save her.
isn't that what it's always been about? trying to save herself. trying to make up for the mistake that is her life. trying to justify her own existence, make herself an asset rather than a burden, prove she's worth keeping. trying desperately and always to not disappoint. it's been part of her forever, like a collar so tight it scars, a permanent mark of neglect. and before, there was only one person who ever noticed or knew, who mattered, who saw her. now...
when Lila speaks, she feels herself lift, gravity releasing its hold on her, and there's a barely-audible inhale. but she doesn't struggle, nor does she flinch from Lila's hand. her gaze doesn't waver. she doesn't need to watch, to worry - if Lila wanted to hurt her, mukuro would let her. but if Lila wanted to hurt her, she would have already.
her touch is impossibly gentle, and Lila looks at her, and mukuro's breathing hitches again - the words she's saying, they can't be true. it's wrong. but Lila doesn't lie. and finally her own voice comes again, meant to be "i'm sorry" because it feels like it's all she's ever been, always, but instead it comes out as:]
Th-thank you.
[small and wavering, as shaky as the rest of her, but she is trying so hard to believe her.]