[As she watches Mukuro, her expression is careful. Thoughtful. It's calculating, but not in an unkind way. More than anything, she's just trying to figure this out. The way this is all playing out . . . she doesn't talk about feelings, not usually. Not before here. In this place, she can't fix things the way she usually does. She has to do it this way.]
[It kind of sucks. She doesn't know if she's getting better at it. Right now, it would be a lot easier to stop. But something's sort of clicking in her head all the same. Like she's almost got the key, the right words to crack the cipher, but not quite. Nearly there.]
If somebody who fucked up a lot was too much, I wouldn't give Komaeda the time of day. And I've dealt with way more fucked up than you, Mukuro, no offense. You're a badass and I know you have your shit, but there's a lot you'd have to do to me to even make it into the same hemisphere as what I've chosen not to put up with.
[That . . . being said. Hm. She crosses her arms in her lap, claws tapping on her thigh. How to put this?]
I believe you'll try to be better. I know you'll do that because people care about you. Lots of people do. But there are people in the world . . .
[Inhale. Through her teeth.]
There are people in the world who can care about you one minute and then the next minute, they're so deep in their own shit that even though they still care, it's like — it's like they're somewhere else. In a universe of just them and their feelings and their misery. No such thing as consequences or collateral damage. Looking out from there, they don't see anyone but themselves. And people like you, you know—
If somebody looks at you like that, from drowning in their own personal hell, and they think the only thing that'll fix it is something that hurts you, who wins? Them or me? Because you're not worried about yourself for yourself, so it's like you don't even get a vote. I know now that I have to live for me first, because people can say a lot of shit and act a different way, but that's me. That's not how you live. So what happens if one of the people who says they care whether you get hurt or not turns around and acts the opposite?
That's what freaks me out. I'm not going anywhere, and I won't, that's not what it's about. It's about you.
no subject
[It kind of sucks. She doesn't know if she's getting better at it. Right now, it would be a lot easier to stop. But something's sort of clicking in her head all the same. Like she's almost got the key, the right words to crack the cipher, but not quite. Nearly there.]
If somebody who fucked up a lot was too much, I wouldn't give Komaeda the time of day. And I've dealt with way more fucked up than you, Mukuro, no offense. You're a badass and I know you have your shit, but there's a lot you'd have to do to me to even make it into the same hemisphere as what I've chosen not to put up with.
[That . . . being said. Hm. She crosses her arms in her lap, claws tapping on her thigh. How to put this?]
I believe you'll try to be better. I know you'll do that because people care about you. Lots of people do. But there are people in the world . . .
[Inhale. Through her teeth.]
There are people in the world who can care about you one minute and then the next minute, they're so deep in their own shit that even though they still care, it's like — it's like they're somewhere else. In a universe of just them and their feelings and their misery. No such thing as consequences or collateral damage. Looking out from there, they don't see anyone but themselves. And people like you, you know—
If somebody looks at you like that, from drowning in their own personal hell, and they think the only thing that'll fix it is something that hurts you, who wins? Them or me? Because you're not worried about yourself for yourself, so it's like you don't even get a vote. I know now that I have to live for me first, because people can say a lot of shit and act a different way, but that's me. That's not how you live. So what happens if one of the people who says they care whether you get hurt or not turns around and acts the opposite?
That's what freaks me out. I'm not going anywhere, and I won't, that's not what it's about. It's about you.