gitanes | ic inbox ( ryslig )

wow. WOW.

[Unbelievably rude!!]

you say that shit to me and you haven't even told me how hot you find me yet. you're lucky i'm so happy you're back.

[This is ridiculous. This is also amazing. He can already hear the incredulity in her voice, how it fuzzes her edges in playful anger. In his mind, he can see her grin that's a bit too sharp, cutting through the inky blackness of her form.

It'd be so easy to slip out of his bedroom and descend the stairs. Knock on her door and pull her into his arms. But it's also easier to say all of this stuff through a screen.]

You're beautiful [—he can't bring himself to say hot even if he thinks it—] You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I still think about how you looked on the beach last year...

[She'd be happy to see him. She always is. But she's happy like this, too. It's so normal, in a weird way. This is something normal people do, text and flirt. In the midst of everything, sometimes they fall into habits so normal it's really funny. And sweet.]

[Preening under the compliment, her hair curls happily, bouncing at her shoulders. She grins just like he imagines. It feels good. She's more beautiful than Junko. The most beautiful girl that he's ever seen.]

you really liked that, huh. you're the first guy i've ever met more into me in a bathing suit than just plain naked.

[Because she is, normally. Does she want to make him think about that next time they see each other in person? Yes. This is her right as ghost gf.]

it was good, though. i like when you look at me like that. it feels like

[There's a pause. She tries to remember the words, the exact words. It isn't so hard. They really stuck with her.]

like what you're feeling is in the shape of me. only me. and all you can see is me.

[She loves him. She aches with loving him. Slowly but surely, his presence is putting her back together again.]

[Will he be thinking about her nakedness the next time they see each other? It's a fifty-fifty chance either way, but he's certainly thinking about it now, and that brings color to his cheeks.]

It just suited you.

[Like he said: the little black dress and red lipstick. Mysterious and dangerous, a flower to be admired from a distance, for its thorns will bleed you dry.

Except with him. She blooms with him.]

I can look at you like that more... if you want. And you can look at me too. I'm not very confident in my naked body... but I would show it to you.

[She does. Always. Has from the start. Has felt seen by him from the first moment, when he woke up and joined her at the table. The way he described her, little black dress and red lipstick, felt like being known and coming home. With Komaeda, she's always bloomed.]

yeah?

i'd like that. i want that.

[Something she's said before. She'll keep saying it. Even if he changes his mind this time, she'll tell him until he can believe her.]

Edited (repeat icon bc she care him sfm) 2022-03-02 07:13 (UTC)

[Something squirms in his gut. Somewhere in between anticipation and anxiety, his mouth twists into an awkward and uncomfortable smile. He doesn't dislike it, not one bit. It's just the getting used to it part that's taking awhile.

They're like opposites. Lila has always known what it feels like to be desired. Komaeda has lived his life in constant rejection.]

Even my scars...? And my arm?

[Does she want to see all the things that make him feel ugly? All the things that make him feel ashamed of what he's done and who he is?]

yeah. all of you. i mean it.

[His scars, his arm, everything that makes him the person he is. That's the person she wants.]

you're mine. even the parts you don't like. so i want all of them, too.

[Komaeda exhales a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding.]

...Thank you. You're really too kind to me, Lila.

[He doesn't even know what to say beyond that. His heart feels like it's about to burst right through the scars across his chest.]

I don't know where I would be without you. If I hadn't met you... I think I would have stayed the same guy I was before. The way you accept me makes me want to learn to accept myself, too.

hey

you know i'm not good at this part.

[She's joking. It's true, too, though. This level of earnestness, sweetness — it doesn't come naturally to her. It took her a while to even recognize that it felt good. She's never had it before. But god, she wants to give it back to him.]

i think i'd have stayed the same too. if i hadn't met you, i mean. if i hadn't met you i think a lot of things would hurt more. and i'd be alone. i didn't know i wanted to not be alone until i met you.

i can't even imagine not accepting you. you're everything to me. i missed you so bad.

[She can't cry in this form. Not like this. But she can feel it, that feeling as crying starts. Even remembering it hurts. Knowing that she doesn't have to live it anymore hurts, too, but in the best way.]

so, thanks i guess. for putting up with me.

Neither of us have to be alone, anymore. I love putting up with you... I love you. Everything about you.

[He almost doesn't say it to her—almost leaves it locked up in his head and in his heart like all of the other earnest things he thinks about her. How she makes him feel like he's floating instead of sinking.

Like the moment an explosion goes off and his vision is filled with blinding, radiant light.]

And I don't plan on leaving again... but if I do, make sure you talk to the Fog God about bringing me back.

[It's a joke, mostly.]

Edited (formatting) 2022-03-02 07:52 (UTC)

god

[If she were saying it aloud, it would come out in a choked sob-laugh hybrid, messy and wet-sounding. As it is, she just assumes he'll understand. She doesn't know how to explain, but — he usually understands.]

i'll rip her throat out. nobody's ever doing that to you again.

[. . .]

i realized while you were gone
when you disappeared
i realized i never wanted to keep someone safe like i want to keep you safe
i always thought that kind of thing would feel like a weight on me
but it just feels right
like i've been this fucked up wrong shaped key this whole time and you're the lock i was always supposed to fit

i didn't know loving someone could feel good like it does with you

[He reads her message. Then he reads it again, and again. Absorbing it, letting Lila's words sink deep into his mind and plug up all the empty holes in his brain.

He's never really thought about being kept safe. Sure, overreaching statements like "protecting everyone" have included him before—but this is different. This is just for him. She wants to keep him safe and it causes this sickening emotion called love to throb through his chest and tremble his fingers as he finally responds.]

I had never been with anyone before you... you were my first for a lot of things, Lila. And for a long time... I was so scared to love you.

"What if this blessing and curse called luck hurts her? What if she dies because she's too close to me?" That's what I thought. I told you about it too, back then...

But you weren't afraid of me.

[He can feel tears cresting in his eyes. This sucks, he doesn't want to cry. He wasn't expecting to have a conversation that would make him cry.

He pauses to rub at his eyes before he continues.]

You said you would beat my luck, because you wanted to be by my side... No one had ever said that to me before.

This place may be despairing, but you're here. So I'll always come back... I promise.

[This is one of those reasons she doesn't understand how Komaeda has been alone for so long. She's never been spoken to so kindly, so sweetly before she met him. She's never been loved so earnestly. She'd never before have believed someone who said the things to her that he does. But she believes him because he's proven it. Before they even kissed, he'd shown her in a thousand little ways how much he loved her.]

[Maybe people expect a fairy-tale prince, like she had, once upon a time. But she doesn't want that. She wants him. She wants all the jagged, messy parts that make him Komaeda. The idea that she's the first person who saw that in him — sometimes it drives her crazy.]

[For the first time, she feels something new about this whole endeavor. That she wants someone else to love Komaeda, because he deserves it. Because he wants to be loved so badly, and she wants that for him, too.]

i trust you

[The single greatest honor she can give to anyone. He's had it since almost the beginning.]

i love you

is this the part where i should start talking about sex again so we stop being all weepy and emotional

[She trusts him, and he trusts her too—completely, and not in the self-sacrificing way where he has no concern for his well being. But trusts in that she would only ever bring him happiness, comfort, and love.

It's still jarring, because he shouldn't have his Ultimate Luck... he shouldn't, but damn does he feel so lucky to have her.]

That's where you're wrong, because even our sex will be weepy and emotional.

[Okay, he's trying to make a joke to ignore the way his stomach flip-flops. Maybe if he says more words then things will get better (lie).]

When do you want to do that by the way?

[...]

So I can prepare myself... mentally.

[The joke is that his joke is not that funny, but the serious thing is what Lila reads as a joke.]

[At first. She's known Komaeda a while now, and she's pretty good at decoding Komaeda-isms. This one is. Sure something. And almost definitely meant in earnest.]

< zhar-ptitsa > is typing . . .

how long do you need to prepare yourself mentally

[Of course she asks, of course she does; because if you give Lila and inch, she takes a mile. He's used to it, or at least he likes to think he is, but she's put him on the spot and the responsibility of having to decide a time to lose his virginity is suddenly a Lot.

It's not even that he's overly attached to it, he just never expected to ever, well... be in this position.

So he panics. Komaeda's fingers hesitate on the keyboard, typing out responses that are over-thought to the point that when he reads them, they don't make sense. Or they're too short, too concise, too sudden. To the rhythm of his own thundering heartbeat, he keeps smashing the backspace key.

Minutes pass by until, finally, he takes a breath and manages to type something that makes sense out.]

Next month, let's go on a date. I think that will be enough time.

[Uh.]

[Hm.]

[Glowing eyes squint at the message, shining near-blinding light on the screen. She considers.]

i can feel you panicking from here.

[...

...

...]

I'm always panicking, Lila.

god. i KNOW but

panicking about sex sounds shitty. are you sure picking a day is a good idea?

What if we did it like Russian Roulette? We can go on a lot of dates, and on one of them, we'll have sex when the mood is right.

That way, I won't know until we're there.

ko, i think that's just regular dating.

We already went over this... you're the first person I've ever dated. I don't know what regular dating is like.

i mean, i haven't done normal dating either, i've done creep dating. i just mean it's not russian roulette, exactly, what you're describing.

it's a good idea though. and we can call it russian roulette if you want.

[It's probably not the time to mention the fact that he's been called a creep on more than one occasion, so Lila is still creep-dating.

Fortunately, he's distracted by something much more important.]

Russian Roulette is cool but dangerous. I'm fine with regular dating.

Where do you want to go on our regular date?

take me to amusement mile and win me a huge stupid novelty stuffed animal

[That response sure came fast.]

i'll possess it and walk around and freak people out. then we can have shit amusement park food and slushees.

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, ZHAR-PTITSA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 66.234.111.217 * ZHAR-PTITSA has joined 66.234.111.217 <ZHAR-PTITSA> Well? <ZHAR-PTITSA>** Hurry up.

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