gitanes | ic inbox ( ryslig )

[Komaeda exhales a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding.]

...Thank you. You're really too kind to me, Lila.

[He doesn't even know what to say beyond that. His heart feels like it's about to burst right through the scars across his chest.]

I don't know where I would be without you. If I hadn't met you... I think I would have stayed the same guy I was before. The way you accept me makes me want to learn to accept myself, too.

hey

you know i'm not good at this part.

[She's joking. It's true, too, though. This level of earnestness, sweetness — it doesn't come naturally to her. It took her a while to even recognize that it felt good. She's never had it before. But god, she wants to give it back to him.]

i think i'd have stayed the same too. if i hadn't met you, i mean. if i hadn't met you i think a lot of things would hurt more. and i'd be alone. i didn't know i wanted to not be alone until i met you.

i can't even imagine not accepting you. you're everything to me. i missed you so bad.

[She can't cry in this form. Not like this. But she can feel it, that feeling as crying starts. Even remembering it hurts. Knowing that she doesn't have to live it anymore hurts, too, but in the best way.]

so, thanks i guess. for putting up with me.

Neither of us have to be alone, anymore. I love putting up with you... I love you. Everything about you.

[He almost doesn't say it to her—almost leaves it locked up in his head and in his heart like all of the other earnest things he thinks about her. How she makes him feel like he's floating instead of sinking.

Like the moment an explosion goes off and his vision is filled with blinding, radiant light.]

And I don't plan on leaving again... but if I do, make sure you talk to the Fog God about bringing me back.

[It's a joke, mostly.]

Edited (formatting) 2022-03-02 07:52 (UTC)

god

[If she were saying it aloud, it would come out in a choked sob-laugh hybrid, messy and wet-sounding. As it is, she just assumes he'll understand. She doesn't know how to explain, but — he usually understands.]

i'll rip her throat out. nobody's ever doing that to you again.

[. . .]

i realized while you were gone
when you disappeared
i realized i never wanted to keep someone safe like i want to keep you safe
i always thought that kind of thing would feel like a weight on me
but it just feels right
like i've been this fucked up wrong shaped key this whole time and you're the lock i was always supposed to fit

i didn't know loving someone could feel good like it does with you

[He reads her message. Then he reads it again, and again. Absorbing it, letting Lila's words sink deep into his mind and plug up all the empty holes in his brain.

He's never really thought about being kept safe. Sure, overreaching statements like "protecting everyone" have included him before—but this is different. This is just for him. She wants to keep him safe and it causes this sickening emotion called love to throb through his chest and tremble his fingers as he finally responds.]

I had never been with anyone before you... you were my first for a lot of things, Lila. And for a long time... I was so scared to love you.

"What if this blessing and curse called luck hurts her? What if she dies because she's too close to me?" That's what I thought. I told you about it too, back then...

But you weren't afraid of me.

[He can feel tears cresting in his eyes. This sucks, he doesn't want to cry. He wasn't expecting to have a conversation that would make him cry.

He pauses to rub at his eyes before he continues.]

You said you would beat my luck, because you wanted to be by my side... No one had ever said that to me before.

This place may be despairing, but you're here. So I'll always come back... I promise.

[This is one of those reasons she doesn't understand how Komaeda has been alone for so long. She's never been spoken to so kindly, so sweetly before she met him. She's never been loved so earnestly. She'd never before have believed someone who said the things to her that he does. But she believes him because he's proven it. Before they even kissed, he'd shown her in a thousand little ways how much he loved her.]

[Maybe people expect a fairy-tale prince, like she had, once upon a time. But she doesn't want that. She wants him. She wants all the jagged, messy parts that make him Komaeda. The idea that she's the first person who saw that in him — sometimes it drives her crazy.]

[For the first time, she feels something new about this whole endeavor. That she wants someone else to love Komaeda, because he deserves it. Because he wants to be loved so badly, and she wants that for him, too.]

i trust you

[The single greatest honor she can give to anyone. He's had it since almost the beginning.]

i love you

is this the part where i should start talking about sex again so we stop being all weepy and emotional

[She trusts him, and he trusts her too—completely, and not in the self-sacrificing way where he has no concern for his well being. But trusts in that she would only ever bring him happiness, comfort, and love.

It's still jarring, because he shouldn't have his Ultimate Luck... he shouldn't, but damn does he feel so lucky to have her.]

That's where you're wrong, because even our sex will be weepy and emotional.

[Okay, he's trying to make a joke to ignore the way his stomach flip-flops. Maybe if he says more words then things will get better (lie).]

When do you want to do that by the way?

[...]

So I can prepare myself... mentally.

[The joke is that his joke is not that funny, but the serious thing is what Lila reads as a joke.]

[At first. She's known Komaeda a while now, and she's pretty good at decoding Komaeda-isms. This one is. Sure something. And almost definitely meant in earnest.]

< zhar-ptitsa > is typing . . .

how long do you need to prepare yourself mentally

[Of course she asks, of course she does; because if you give Lila and inch, she takes a mile. He's used to it, or at least he likes to think he is, but she's put him on the spot and the responsibility of having to decide a time to lose his virginity is suddenly a Lot.

It's not even that he's overly attached to it, he just never expected to ever, well... be in this position.

So he panics. Komaeda's fingers hesitate on the keyboard, typing out responses that are over-thought to the point that when he reads them, they don't make sense. Or they're too short, too concise, too sudden. To the rhythm of his own thundering heartbeat, he keeps smashing the backspace key.

Minutes pass by until, finally, he takes a breath and manages to type something that makes sense out.]

Next month, let's go on a date. I think that will be enough time.

[Uh.]

[Hm.]

[Glowing eyes squint at the message, shining near-blinding light on the screen. She considers.]

i can feel you panicking from here.

[...

...

...]

I'm always panicking, Lila.

god. i KNOW but

panicking about sex sounds shitty. are you sure picking a day is a good idea?

What if we did it like Russian Roulette? We can go on a lot of dates, and on one of them, we'll have sex when the mood is right.

That way, I won't know until we're there.

ko, i think that's just regular dating.

We already went over this... you're the first person I've ever dated. I don't know what regular dating is like.

i mean, i haven't done normal dating either, i've done creep dating. i just mean it's not russian roulette, exactly, what you're describing.

it's a good idea though. and we can call it russian roulette if you want.

[It's probably not the time to mention the fact that he's been called a creep on more than one occasion, so Lila is still creep-dating.

Fortunately, he's distracted by something much more important.]

Russian Roulette is cool but dangerous. I'm fine with regular dating.

Where do you want to go on our regular date?

take me to amusement mile and win me a huge stupid novelty stuffed animal

[That response sure came fast.]

i'll possess it and walk around and freak people out. then we can have shit amusement park food and slushees.

If that's what will make you happy, I'd love to go to the amusement park!

Do you like fast rides, Lila?

[This is one of those stupid things that shouldn't get to her and does. If that's what will make you happy. If it was anybody else — but it's Komaeda, so she knows he means it, and it makes her feel tongue-tied and awkward, but it's good. It's in a good way.]

cool

i don't know. probably, but i've never been on one. you?

I mean, every moment of my life is terrifying...

Before, I would never ride things like roller coasters, because they had the highest accident rates. It would surely be a death sentence for an unlucky guy like me. The carousel had been my favorite ride since I was a kid. The way it goes up and down as it spins is so slow and relaxing. I never feel like I'm in danger at all...

But, the reality is that I no longer have my Ultimate Luck... so maybe I can finally try thrilling rides without fearing my inevitable and painful death!

[God. She loves him. Disgusting. This is so stupid, and she loves him for it.]

what if we try one, and if you hate it we can go on the carousel? you just have to swear in blood you won't tell anyone you saw me on the carousel.

I won't tell anyone about your soft side, Lila.

[He's smiling—all big, and comfortable, and full of love. She always knows exactly what to say, never invalidating his fears, no matter how silly they sound.]

I mean, I should say that I have been on a roller coaster, but only once. In the simulation. Nothing bad happened on the ride itself but... I still avoided the roller coaster afterwards.

[But this amusement park must be pretty new, huh...]

When did Amusement Mile appear?

i don't have a soft side, liar.

[she lies]

jeez, i'm not sure. i haven't gone yet honestly. early fall i think, like right after you disappeared. i . . . didn't really do much around then in general, so i don't remember.

but it doesn't matter. it's not actually open until i get there, and by extension, when you get there. so you'll be at the grand opening.

[It's funny, how easily Lila can cheer him up, even when he doesn't realize his mood has turned. Reminiscing on his own departure is enough to send him into a spiraling descent, but to think about how it must've affected Lila?

He's happy that she's the one that smooths it over, so he doesn't have to.]

Should I dress nice, then? For our date at the grand opening, that is. I could even bring you flowers. What kind do you like?

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, ZHAR-PTITSA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 66.234.111.217 * ZHAR-PTITSA has joined 66.234.111.217 <ZHAR-PTITSA> Well? <ZHAR-PTITSA>** Hurry up.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject