gitanes | ic inbox ( ryslig )

yeah

yeah, i think i know that. knew it already, i mean, that you want to spoil me. when you say things like that, getting flowers you think i'd like, if it was someone else i wouldn't believe it. but i can feel how much you mean it.

and if it was somebody else i'd just feel entitled, but it's like

i don't know the word for it. like i'm something bigger than myself because you love me.

my grandma always told me to watch out for princes, they're bad news. but i think she'd like you. you're not a prince and you're definitely bad news, but you make me feel

it's stupid. but you make me feel normal. like just somebody, some girl who can have fun and be happy like anyone else. i didn't think i'd get that, but you gave it to me.

Edited 2022-03-05 23:36 (UTC)

[Komaeda reads her message, and then he reads it again. Over and over, until Lila's thoughts and feelings—raw and unedited—are seared into his brain for safe keeping. She doesn't get it, and he doesn't either. Sometimes the grandiose of words stream through his brain like water through a colander. But with Lila, that's never the case. She speaks her feelings but she also makes them known.

Even as he reads her message, he can see those stormy eyes in his mind. On a couch in her apartment, in the kitchen of another world. Cast to the side, unable to meet his gaze as she grapples with her unadulterated truth. How she folds her arms and clips her words, because they're uncomfortable in her mouth.

He likes Lila, when she's like this. Because she's only like this with him, and it makes him feel special.]

Normal wasn't ever a word people associated with me. My life has been an endless cycle of extremes, just like yours has been an endless power struggle... we both come from worlds and places where we weren't allowed to be ourselves, because if we were... it was used against us. We both played a game for so long, that maybe we even forgot we were people, not pieces.

[Komaeda's fingers hesitate for a moment, but only a moment.]

You make me feel normal too... Like my strangeness isn't something to be ashamed of. It makes me happy... you gave me this happiness, too. So we're even, right?

[It's true. It's like what Komaeda said months and months ago — feelings in the shape of her only. This is a part of her that only Komaeda gets to see, this particular fragility, this piece-by-piece of her taking herself apart and putting it back together. Even with Mukuro it's different, because Mukuro is different; they support each other differently. But with Komaeda, she can just be broken and jagged and wrong. Komaeda is the first person she ever knew how to be honest with. Her love in the shape of Komaeda is powerful and immortal and strong. So, so strong.]

[Maybe we even forgot we were people, not pieces.]

[Because even the queen is a piece. The most powerful piece on the board is still just a token, moved by some greater hand. And that's not her. That was never supposed to be her.]

[She's a Zacharov. But she's Lila, too. And Komaeda loves Lila, not just Lila Zacharov. He was the first one ever to love just Lila. Just her.]

yeah. we're even.

. . .

thanks for being patient with me before. uh, when you told me about atem. i know i freaked out. but i'm glad you said what you said. it was brave. it was the right thing to do. and i understand now. i wouldn't get it without you having stuck your neck out like that.

It just seemed like the right thing to do. I made a lot of enemies by always holding my cards to my chest... and I was okay with that before. I knew I would lose people eventually, because of my luck, so it was okay if I pushed them away.

But I don't have my luck here... and even when I try to keep you out, you force your way in. It was only fair to tell you the things going on in my heart and head, because you're my girlfriend...

[Woah. That felt weird to type. His head is fluttering.]

And you would've killed me, probably.

[She probably would've killed Atem too and, knowing the both of them, that would be like starting a war.

...]

Also, I'm glad Mukuro has you. She needs you, just like I need you.

[Heh. He typed girlfriend. She wonders if he's freaking out.]

i might have. i don't really know. the last guy who hurt me i wanted to kill. i still want to kill him. but you've never done anything even close to what he did to me. you don't even lie to me.

i think, even though i was upset when you told me, i realized after that that meant you were something totally different than i'd ever known before. that being honest with me mattered that much to you, you know?

[Plus, she definitely would have killed Atem.]

[Anyway. She's . . . feeling fond, now. Soft. And he won't tell anyone, so. It's fine.]

she's nice to me too. you're both nice to me. you don't lie. so i won't let either of you keep me out. even though you try to run away sometimes.

[. . .]

hey, i was wondering. what happened with atem? like, is that a thing or not? because we're super good, him and me. we killed bile together. [#friendship]

[Everything was nice and soft, until that last line. Komaeda's smile dims on the other side of the screen, his good mood quickly soured, though he knows it's no fault of Lila's. She doesn't know. How could she? When they're together, they hardly talk about others—always stuck in their own little bubble.

So maybe it's odd that his next reply lags a few minutes, his words picked over carefully, because whatever he feels now is no fault of Atem.]

We're friends, that's all. I told him how I felt, but... I'm not sure if he believed me, or just doesn't want to be with me. I wouldn't blame him either way, before I disappeared... no, even before that, things have been weird between us.

Besides, he's dating Ryou-kun now. I don't think I should involve myself further... I'm happy just having these feelings. I'm happy to be his friend.

[But he knows what Lila will say. That he should take what he wants, that he should be selfish. But... he's just never been that sort of guy.]

[She thinks about saying that. She does. It's just . . . well, she knows him too. She can't imagine him doing that, not when it's taken all this time to get him to actually believe she wants him. It ends up seeming like a lot of pushing and, thinking about it, she thinks it'd piss her off. If somebody told her to go for it after something like that . . .]

[She's confused. She doesn't understand what happened. But she can feel the hurt, too. So in the end, she doesn't insist.]

sorry. that sucks. i expected better from him.

[Which is true. She respects Atem a lot. She doesn't understand why he'd make a choice like that, but, well. Boys are dipshits mostly.]

if anything weird like that happens again, can you, i don't know, tell me? that sounds shitty and miserable and i don't want you to feel bad by yourself.

[She doesn't want him to feel like he has to be by himself, just because he's rejected.]

[It isn't the response he expects, but something else. He reads it, again and again—and each time he does, those words slowly fill him, until he no longer feels like he's sinking. Lila doesn't blame Atem, but she expresses her disappointment.

He didn't realize how much he would appreciate seeing that.]

I will... I promise.

[She doesn't want him to feel bad by himself. He smiles.]

You've changed, since I've been gone. You're somehow... softer. It's nice. I want to kiss you.

[god. EMBARRASSING]

don't you dare tell anybody i'm soft. i'm fucking terrifying.

you can kiss me if you want, i'm, like, here. i live downstairs, komaeda. or does i want to kiss you mean i want to lowkey pine?

[She accepts even the latter because she is, disgracefully, kinda soft about him.]

I like pining for you, it makes the moment I get to finally see you again so much more interesting!

[But... she's right. He could just go downstairs and pull her wispiness into his arms and kiss the approximate location of her mouth.]

Do you want me to come over...? It's not too late, is it?

komaeda.

i always want you to come over.

[Well, that answers that question. Komaeda looks down at himself—in just a long sleeved shirt and his boxers of course. Sighs. He rolls out of bed and slips on his jeans, appreciating the fact that he doesn't have a tail to maneuver in the whole ordeal.

His reply to her doesn't come, at least, not over the network. Instead it comes with a knock at her door a few minutes later. It's purely polite, and also because he still doesn't have a key to her apartment, but he stands there patiently.

If she wants this kiss, she has to come get it.]

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