ic inbox ( ryslig )

[gitanes]

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[luckless]

[In the same way that Lila turns beneath his tail and takes pleasure in the weight of it, Komaeda seems to relax further simply by anchoring his touch to her. Just like on the roof, years ago—or the multitude of others times he's wrapped his tail about her as a means of seeking reassurance—Komaeda does the same now, as he keeps his gaze trained on her expression.

She continues to be safe, for him. Her expertise as a shade not withstanding, she was the first one he wanted to talk to about this simply because he felt as if his heart will always be safe with her. Lila doesn't judge him, she accepts him fully and unflinchingly as he is... And where her eyes have become slits, his are blown abnormally wide, as he scoots just a bit closer to feel the warmth still emanating from her body.]

I'm familiar, [he mutters quietly, partially into the crook of his elbow as his tail fins fan and cover Lila's legs.] But if that's what it is, then...

[Is it really so dissimilar from what Junko felt? She wanted others to hurt the way she hurt, that was her only goal in life.]

...It's not as if Elias has ever hurt me, personally, though.

cw internalized ableism

[gitanes]

[He's like a blanket. It almost tickles. She bites back a grin, because what they're talking about is serious, but it's nice — the fan of his fins over her bare legs. He's talking about wanting to do terrible harm to someone who is ostensibly a child, but she can't help thinking about how cute he is from so close up.]

[Still.]

Not you personally. But people you care about. And for me it's sort of—

[She purses her lips, frowning slightly, before finding the correct words.]

My brain's a little like that anyway. Like a shade's. Because I'm crazy, you know? So maybe I can explain it better.

It's like feeling trapped and everything's a threat. Like you're stuck in a cage and you can't get out, you know you can't get out, and either every touch is a threat or, as a shade, touch is almost impossible. So you're all alone, cut off from everyone and everything else, and nothing is safe. You're scared. But scared doesn't do anything.

So you get angry. And the anger builds and builds until it's taken up your whole body, and then you explode. And at that point, it — it kind of doesn't matter, right? You can't tell the difference between somebody who's actually hurt you and somebody who might hurt you, or somebody who's hurt your friends or got in your way or whatever. To your animal brain, it's all the same. Fight or flight gets thrown out 'cause there's only fight anymore.

That's what being a shade is to me. It's just everything vicious about me but bigger. It's . . . a lot of fear. A lot of sadness. A lot of — regret, I guess? You know you can't change things, you can't touch all these things that are fucked up, but you want to more than anything. So what happens in the end is you just break shit.

[luckless]

[Komaeda asks for permission, always. Or at least, almost always. Lila has endured so much, not just before Ryslig but also during—touch is something he's learned to do a little more impulsively, but he always watches for her invite. When she wants to be close, he'll nestle in closer. When she needs her space, he'll give her ample room.

But when she talks like she's abstractly examining herself, like she's some sort of specimen under a microscope, he hears the way she views herself in a way he never has before. Lila is the embodiment of confidence in his eyes. She lives, breathes and enforces her ego unto others. If he were to describe her, it'd be something like a spiked trap—if you get too comfortable, if you don't tread carefully, you might just end up eviscerated.

Typically, Komaeda waits for her invite, but there isn't one given, not exactly. He just hears that she's afraid, she's sad, she feels alone, and that she's vicious because it's the only thing she has and... He moves in closer. The weight of his tail curls tight enough around her to cradle, but not constrict. He drags the backs of his fingernails across her cheek, brushes hair from her face, and stares deep into those mismatched eyes as he tucks it behind her ear. She's warm against his cool scales, solid in a way he barely knows.]

It's your only way of interacting with the world, [he says quietly, mindlessly, as if some grand revelation has been revealed to him. His heart breaks for her, wants more for such a grand existence as Lila Zacharov can be, because it's what she deserves. She deserves to feel and touch and live a normal life.

Tears sting at the corners of his eyes,] you're not crazy. It's not crazy to want the things you want. To be cared for and... [His thumb rubs reassuring circles below her cheekbone,] and I'm sorry... I'm sorry I broke our promise, that I left and... I'm just so glad you're here with me, again. This time, I'll protect you, okay?

[gitanes]

[Komaeda's special. He's always been special, ever since she first took his hand as they ran from the Tågevalgten. Even back then, nothing could stop them together. He's unique, a whole different kind of boy, because she knows from the bottom of her heart that he'll never hurt her.]

[So even though he very nearly always asks permission, the fact that he doesn't this time — she doesn't mind. Doesn't see it coming, either, absorbed in her thoughts. She doesn't see them as sad, doesn't realize how affected Komaeda is, too busy trying to give him the closest to the truth she can manage, because he deserves it. She rarely ever lies, but she especially doesn't want to lie to him.]

[And then his tail wraps around her, comfortable and secure. Around her properly, in fact, holding her like something precious. From most people, she'd bristle at that kind of touch, but this time she sighs, a relaxed, sustained exhale in sync with her eyes closing. She doesn't need to watch him. His touch is not a threat. Her hindbrain remembers these things and lets her fall into his embrace, wiggle closer to him and accept the approach of his hand.]

[That touch — it overwhelms her. Not as much as it would have once, because she is so desperate for touch after all this time that the lack of gloves is a secondary thought rather than primary — and besides, he doesn't have that kind of magic. But hunger for touch and old taboos marry to make her shiver in the wake of his nails tracing across her cheek, which warms under his touch. Deep as she's sinking into the safe-surprising sensation of physical touch, she keeps her eyes closed.]

[At least until he says — You're not crazy.]

[They flutter open, then, pale lashes fixing on his expression uncertainly. He's . . . sad? About her. The movement of his thumb against her cheekbone is distracting. The look on his face is confusion. He's apologizing. What does he have to apologize for?]

You don't . . . don't have to be sorry. That wasn't you.

[It — wasn't, but — maybe more significantly, she doesn't tell him what they both know: that she doesn't need protecting. It doesn't make her mad, hearing that declaration of intent to take care of her. It would have, once, but . . . she can't even put her finger on it. But Komaeda . . . would do anything for her. Anything. Wouldn't he.]

[Slowly, crookedly, the corner of her lips lifts in an almost-smile.]

I thought I was supposed to be making you feel better. [Notably, she follows this up by reaching for him rather than pulling away; a breath away, she hooks an ankle over his and mirrors his touch, sharp, dark red nails pulling back across his cheek and coming to rest under his jaw.] Not complaining. I like the idea of — that. What you're saying.

[Being taken care of. Being protected, sometimes. Even though she doesn't need it.]