ic inbox ( ryslig )

[gitanes]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, ZHAR-PTITSA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 66.234.111.217 *** ZHAR-PTITSA has joined 66.234.111.217 <ZHAR-PTITSA> Well? <ZHAR-PTITSA> Hurry up.

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<zhar-ptitsa>

[gitanes]

[One of the things about Cassel is . . . it used to be, behind closed doors, when it was just them, he was just a boy, kind of awkward sometimes, kind of funny. But when she came back, he wasn't like that anymore. Maybe underneath it all that boy was still alive, but the part of him she saw was the part that calculated the words he wanted to say for maximum effect before he let them out into the world. Who made words in the shape of influence, who pushed, who didn't even realize he was pushing half the time.]

[He wouldn't ever say anything like what Komaeda's saying now, because it's too clumsy. Awkward, unpolished, like a rock before tumbling. Feelings in the shape of you, a phrase at once clunky and painfully beautiful and so honest it hurts. Komaeda says this thing to her because, while he's probably thinking before he sends these messages, he isn't doing that to craft an image, to build a suit of armor. He's doing it to defang his words as much as possible. To keep from hurting her. To protect her.]

[Feelings in the shape of you, he says, and it doesn't fix everything — but all of a sudden, she recognizes that she was panicking and that she isn't anymore.]

[Because she believes him. Just like that.]

it makes sense.

i don't really know how it works. or how it feels, wanting more than one person at a time. i don't think i do anyway. [Does she still love Cassel, as much as she hates him? Probably. She doesn't want to talk about that.] but i never really knew that many people my age. i don't know what i'm feeling except mad most of the time. except when i'm with you i can feel the other things more easily. like you can pull some of the other bullshit back for a little while and it's okay to be whatever i am underneath all of that. i've never had anyone make me feel like that before.

i don't think i'm mad now. i think i was scared, but i'm less scared now. if everything is still going to be the same with us, or the same but more, then i'm not scared of your feelings. even the ones i don't understand.